Upsidasium Episode 15: The Train on the Plain or The Overland Express/Transcript
(engine chugging along) Narrator: 'Last time, our heroes learned from Captain Peter Peachfuzz, the new head of G-2, the strange story of upsidasium discovered on the slopes of Mount Flatten by an old prospector. This fabulous anti-gravity metal had set scientists on their ears until the entire world's supply had been lost by accident. ''(The metal falls up out of the chest through the ceiling with a CRASH!) 'Narrator: '''But when the old prospector learned that the mountain was already owned by Bullwinkle's uncle, he said... '''Old Prospector: '''Well, he'll never find it. '''Calvin: '''Why not? '''Old Prospector: '''Because it's nowhere ''to find! (dissolve to Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Captain Peachfuzz) 'Rocky: '''Gee, a lost mountain. And now it's all yours, Bullwinkle. '''Bullwinkle: '''Yeah. It's the nicest present I never had. '''Captain Peachfuzz: '''On to Mount Flatten! Eh, fellas? '''Narrator: '''Well, almost, anyway, for on the track ahead, Boris Badenov waited beside an open switch. '''Natasha: '''Boris, dollink, why are you wrecking train? '''Boris: '''It's on train, Moose and Squirrel. They won't give us deed to upsidasium mine, so... '''Natasha: '''You got orders from Central Control? '''Boris: '''You think I can't make my own decisions? You think I'm just a stooge for Central Control? '''Natasha: '''No, dollink. '''Boris: '''Well, you're wrong! I am! ''(speaks on the radio's microphone) ''Hell, Fearless Leader, old buddy boy, old chum, old sweetie pumpkin. ''(Fearless Leader picks up his mic) '''Fearless Leader: '''Come in, Badenov. '''Boris: '''Is this Fearless Leader? '''Fearless Leader: '''Of course. '''Boris: '''Are you sure? '''Fearless Leader: '''Badenov, you incompetent nincompoop! '''Boris: ''(laughs) That's him, all right! ''(to Fearless Leader on radio) ''Fearless Leader, switch is open! Train is coming! Okay? '''Fearless Leader: '''One moment. I check with Mr. Big. '''Boris and Natasha: '''Mr. Big! '''Boris: '''This must be top-level caper went on, Natasha. '''Fearless Leader: '''Achtung! '''Boris and Natasha: '''Yes, yes? '''Fearless Leader: '''Mr. Big says..."Follow Moose and Squirrel to mine. Do not wreck train." '''Boris: '''Do not?! ''(stutters) ''Quick, Natasha, pull switch back! '''Natasha: '''It's stuck, dollink! I can't! '''Narrator: '''And the two villains tugged vainly at the switch lever as the train drew nearer and nearer. '''Natasha: '''No use, Boris! It won't work! '''Boris: '''Natasha, we got to stop train! '''Narrator: '''And Boris dashed up the track toward the onrushing locomotive. '''Boris: '''Hey! Stop! Track is out! Yoo-hoo! Stop the train! Wait! Oh boy! '''Narrator: '''Inside the Capitol locomotive, the alert engineers heard Boris's cry. ''(Edgar and Chauncey are playing cards) Edgar: 'Hmmm. Sounds like someone shouting, "Stop the train," Chauncey. '''Chauncey: '''Uh-huh. '''Edgar: '''I think he said the track is out. '''Chauncey: '''Oh, you know how some people are--pessimistic. '''Edgar: '''Mm, that's right, Chauncey. Let's see. Did I discard or not? '''Narrator: '''Fortunately for everybody concerned, somebody else heard Boris's bellows. '''Rocky: '''Hey, there's someone standing on the tracks waving a red cloth. '''Bullwinkle: '''Must be practicing to be a bullfighter. '''Rocky: '''No, that's a warning to stop! '''Bullwinkle: '''But we're not stopping! '''Rocky: '''Well, there's one way to fix that. Pull the emergency cord, Bullwinkle! '''Narrator: '''And Bullwinkle did just that. Instantly, the brakes went on, the wheels locked, and the passengers went flying. '''Bullwinkle: '''We're saved, Rocky! '''Rocky: '''Yeah. I wonder who the hero was that flagged down the train? '''Bullwinkle: '''Probably some grizzled old prospector. ''(Boris appears disguised as a miner) 'Boris: '''You're absolutely right. Allow me to introduce myself. Mojave Max, G.O.P. '''Rocky: '''G.O.P.? '''Boris: '''Grizzled Old Prospector. This is my sidekick, Death Valley Dotty. ''(Natasha is seen beside Boris, also disguised as a prospector) '''Natasha: '''Howdy, partner dollink. '''Bullwinkle: '''Say, Rock, maybe they could help us find the lost mount... '''Rocky: ''(hushed to Bullwinkle) Bullwinkle! That's top-secret! '''Natasha: '''You lost something, dollink? '''Bullwinkle: '''Yeah, but I'm not allowed to tell you what. '''Natasha: '''Is it, uh, bigger than kumquat? '''Bullwinkle: '''Yeah. '''Natasha: '''Smaller than Texas? '''Bullwinkle: '''Yeah. '''Natasha: '''I know! It's a lost mountain! '''Bullwinkle: '''Hey, that's right! ''(to Rocky) ''She's pretty good at that game, Rock. '''Rocky: '''Just the same, we'd better get back on the train and--'YIKE!!!!!' '''Bullwinkle: '''Okay. I never yiked on a train, but-- '''Rocky: '''Look, Bullwinkle, it's leaving without us! '''Narrator: '''Yes, the train was going on its way, leaving our heroes--our heroes, mind you--at the mercy of Mojave Max and Death Valley Dotty. Don't miss our next thriller: ''"Danger in the Desert" ''or ''"Max Attacks!"